Can I grieve? At the age of 28 I still find myself at a loss with grieving properly. Something so important yet so complicated. And rightly so the pain resurface from losing my dad and grandmother on the same day. Trying to decide who I should be crying for first, the most or who’s tears I should save for later. Of course I decided to do the unhealthy thing of being strong for the less stable ones.
Early in life I decided I was fine! Someone dies, “I’m fine”! I lose my job, “I’m fine”! Break my heart “I’m fine”! I am always “FINE”. So fine that the true meaning of being fine has vanished from my brain. It’s a temporary state of mind that I have so inconsiderably thrown myself in to appear more disciplined than I really am. I can wake up and cry most of my morning from missing my dad, hop up and do my make up and get to work like I’ve had a fascinating morning! That leaves the question of who am I? Am I damaged? Do I have daddy issues? Yes could be the answer to both but after 28 years of being “fine” I choose to face my emotions as they come now. If that means pulling over on the highway to scream, hop in the shower to cry or tell a guy I love them first that’s just what I will do! So….yeah a rollercoaster has nothing on my emotions! LOL.
Back to the daddy issues. After careful observation over the last 12 years I have come to the realization that I do have daddy issues. What woman wants to admit THAT?! But don’t let that excite you, I have no tolerance for promiscuity! And I am not here to judge, release as you please I just choose to suffer in other ways. Lol. Ways like needing to be accepted to feel whole. Needing to please and take care of everyone to not feel worthless while my goals and emotional health take a backseat. Never being brave enough to voice how I feel due to the fear of rejection.
All of these issues stems from me not having a father present to help me build that confidence in myself early on in life. It’s so necessary. I have two amazing little girls and I watch how their hearts light up with their dad. How they’re a little braver when he’s watching. The only man they are seeking acceptance from to build the confidence they need to solidify the fact that they are whole with or without the company of another man. They are my inspiration. They are my mirrors.
Point is, it’s okay to be damaged. Face it, embrace it and do something awesome with it. Don’t pretend to be fine when really you’re a ticking time bomb. I’ve gotten much applause on my new approach on life and while it is difficult to be so in touch with your feelings. It is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Drake would be proud! LOL.
Signed a little damaged girl…..
Xoxo
Monica's blog 
I’m so sorry. I cannot even imagine that kind of grief. Maybe your mind developed a resistance and that’s why you couldn’t grieve. Maybe it was a small blessing in disguise among all the loss and sadness you were being put through. Maybe you were supposed to remain strong for everyone else even if it took a lot out of you in the process. You’re extremely brave and courageous. Please don’t ever lose that spark.
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Thank you so much, I do my best!!! 🙂
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