Because you break me down. When you look at me I melt inside. I try not to squirm, I try to keep a straight face. I try to giggle less because what grown woman wants to feel like a middle school girl with a crush. Because you break me down.
Seriously, it’s like coming up for air after damn near drowning. My hands get sweaty, I may even stutter. I purposely show less teeth when I smile at you so I don’t look overly excited. Did I mention you break me down?
Thinking of you 70% of my day and wondering if you’ve even had your first thought of me. Contemplating on if I should say hello first. Or if you’ve already said hello first, just not to me…I wanna say I hate loving you but I’d be lying. You just, break me down.
I lack self control with you. I’m usually pretty in tact. My emotions spill over. I need to tell you. I need to say things. It’s the only way I can breathe. I’m overwhelmed with it some days. You’ve completely broken me down. But only in the slowest, most appropriate, most stubborn but gentle and unimaginable way possible. Keep breaking. Me. Down.💙
A change is coming and this is a big one. One that has been gradually surfacing. I’m constantly stuck in between who I want to be and who I need to be not realizing it is all the same person. The constant need to be a better version of myself. Why do we fight it for so long? What is so wrong with simply accepting it?
Sometimes your energy no longer accepts the fight you continue to put up to avoid change. That is why we crumble inside. It’s inevitable and we can either go along with it or be miserable. It is not about others and their opinion. It is not always for the children. At some point it is only about you. Every morning I wake up and consult my God in hopes that he will bring me strength to be more accepting of what is to come. Becoming a bit more open and positive since for me this is a dramatic journey. My anxiety is definitely at an all-time high but I have somewhat learned how to calm myself lol. At the end of the day I have a choice. We have a choice. Change is inevitable but we can decide to accept it sooner rather than later. It should be a simple decision, you’d think at least.
“So, do it. Decide. Is this the life you want to live? Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More Compassionate? Decide. Breathe in. Breathe out…and DECIDE.” -Meredith Grey
As we begin to scoot another year behind us I realize just how different the world is today. So much has changed and not necessarily for the better but for the sake of passing time. I think that most things that were once real are now fake. Not a lot of people believe in love anymore. Not a lot of people believe in real friendship. Everyone is using each other for either a temporary fix or a come up. Not that it matters to anyone other than myself I am disappointed. I think I need to take my expectations down a few notches. I probably won’t though…
It’s confusing because the world is asking me to conform to the new way of living and I ain’t with it. I still crave the traditional way of things. I never thought I’d say this but I’m pretty sure our grandparents were way cooler than us, lol! They respected each other, they lived longer, they had ALL the natural remedies, they rode bikes everywhere, and they smoked joints and were very happy campers! Seriously, life seemed so much cooler back then now that I have lived for a bit. They had real relationship goals that they confidently met. Unlike us where relationship goals are based on material things or the level of clout the relationship would bring you. Again, I ain’t with it.
However, I am very much with whole-hearted loving, genuine people, belly-aching laughs with my favorite girls and guys, cool dates, soft kisses, chill music, cold beer, simplicity, sarcasm and coconut oil. I still purposely wear rose-colored glasses because I refuse to believe that everything in this world is stained. And even if so, there is a certain beauty that comes with the scarred.
There is nothing wrong with the basics, just ask granny!
I usually come off as insensitive or unsupportive so I will handle this fragile topic with care, no sarcasm.
To get straight to the point Donald Trump has been selected president of the United States. Are we really surprised? It’s definitely a case very well rested for me at least. I’ve shared my opinion a time or two and people are so offended by me simply saying they are all for the same team and your vote doesn’t matter. Let me be clear. Yes your vote matters to you in a way that it should. No your vote doesn’t matter to them as a good American citizen. At the end of the day they will select their president and get America involved to make us feel like we’ve made the choice. I am hearing things about how blacks didn’t step up enough and vote. Whites are tired of the traditional way and chose Trump for excitement. Whatever the case maybe the decision was made.
Now even though I’m not surprised, I am however very impressed with their balls. It was a very strategic and arrogant play. They basically shined a negative light on him the whole time to get people to believe that Hillary would be the better fit. I actually thought it would be Hillary simply because I thought they would keep up the whole making history scheme going. So Trump was a great curveball to throw at the more awakened ones. And by awakened ones I just mean my truth-seekers out there. I tend to operate from a place where nothing in this world make sense to me so I dig and dig for the whys behind the reason. Trump was selected for a reason, he wasn’t elected by you. The man has no substantial experience to be anywhere near president but here we are.
Even though I am numb to things like this it still affects me because of the world we live in. I do understand the frustration. I have children who are very disappointed and I have a role where I have to embrace and preserve their innocence for as long as it’s there. At the same time I also have to be what awakens them with a healthy dose of truth. Don’t put your heart and beliefs into a system that makes no sense. At the end of the day God is King and “We gon be alright” !!
Stay Tuned America.
I know that this can be a difficult thing at some point in our lives. Not a lot of women will admit to it but it happens to the best of us. Getting into the habit of pleasing others and losing who you are. That usually creates insecurity.
As queens we are responsible for our own happiness. We can’t depend on others to fill us with greatness, although that is a great feeling but that is not always an option. And besides that will be your mate to only compliment what you already know. It wouldn’t be solely up to them. Changing your hair, wardrobe, style and personality to the likings of others are all signs that you don’t know you are. I’ve also seen that when you are ready to step from under society’s harsh microscope you will find that not everyone is accepting of who you really are.
Us as black women get that a lot actually. From our hair being “too kinky” or our skin “too dark” we are often labeled undesirable to the small mind. Although I am very much comfortable in my own skin now, there were times when I was much younger that I went against being who I really was to either relate to someone or something. It’s kind of like lying on your resume lol. It usually leaves you a bit uneasy. At the end of the day realizing your worth goes hand in hand with being confident! Confidence prioritizes the things that you are willing to accept and not accept.
- Confidence comes from within.
- Confidence is quiet and often misunderstood with being arrogant.
- Confidence needs no reassurance.
And confident women accepts responsibility and sets healthy boundaries! 🙂
So because of me being in my awakening process I am often forced to share my opinion on things. So many people are unaware of what is really going on due to them being so programmed and under complete mind control.
To start, let’s talk about this new movie “A birth of a nation”. There is definitely something unsettling about the masses thinking this is a “good movie”. Especially at a time where the race war is being heavily pushed. It’s propaganda to push their agenda. There is always an agenda. It is not history at all. This movie is designed to keep the blacks outraged and to keep the whites in fear of what the blacks are capable of doing when they are feeling that way. We do not need reminders every year of what went on but they feel the need to roll out these movies and push it until the fake academy award season.
I am usually told I don’t support the black entertainers and I agree. A lot of these entertainers are here to program us because that is what they have been programmed to do. I do not support seeing 80% of MY brothers having their masculinity stripped and dancing around in dresses for a dollar. To me that’s saying you’re helping them push this one gender world plan. To the conscious mind, that is not entertainment. I do not support seeing 80% of MY sisters bleaching their skin and buying the longest weft of hair to fit in with society’s version of beautiful. A better version of you is not you if you lose yourself in the process.
Now back to this movie. My thing is seeing a little white girl run around with a noose around a little black girl’s neck skipping across the porch lets me know this was a very calculated approach. There are NO hidden messages here. And I’m a message seeker, this is blatant propaganda. The chaos from this race war is leading to the rebirth of a nation. This whole government funded black lives matter movement is fake. The fact that the movie trailer incorporates that movement in today’s world confirmed that. And I am pro-black to the fullest but the movement is just another staged program. WE buy into it because that is what mind control does. WE are the movement in everyday life, people like me. People who are willing to see beyond what is placed on a big screen or a sound box. I cannot call this a great movie. For one it’s a Hollywood production, which alone says a lot. It was degrading to the race as a whole. As far as the actors, they are getting paid and they’ve already sold their souls so you can’t expect them to steer you into the light at all but that is a totally different topic.
If you are one of those people who enjoy this type of movie by all means, enjoy. But if you are on the more conscious side of things and you can see through bullshit on your blindest day please don’t waste your time. It’s here to make you believe they are adding insult to injury. And they are, they’ve just never stopped is my thing.
To my little black girl, in this big cruel world.
You never have to be afraid to shine.
To my little black girl, in this very hateful world!
There’s just so much to understand with very little time.
Things that are so damaging to your innocence which I wouldn’t want to overwhelm you with.
To my little black girl not everyone is comfortable enough to accept your presence.
Not everyone can accept your freshly coiled hair or bold afro puffs.
Even with all of your grace and exceptional taste some will find a way to make you feel out of place.
NEVER the case.
You are and always will be my little black girl wrapped in pure melanin magic.
So stand up to those who doesn’t accept you for who you are
… And that is my little black girl who has a much brighter world!
To Taelor M. Baker
Not a lot of people know you or much about you. I don’t share many stories, never really say your name much. Often people ask if I ever think of you. I absolutely think of you. I think I keep all of the memories locked away to have as my own getaway with you whenever I miss you.
But if I had to share my memories with the world I’d tell them how funny you were. Like that time mom told you to whoop Darryn for misbehaving and you took him in the bathroom and started hitting the tub pretending you were hitting him with a belt. LOL. Because you couldn’t stand whooping us. Or the funny dances you use to do in the middle of the living room.
I’d tell them about how I always annoyed you when I’d ask how come the barber never ran over that big mole in your head when he’d cut your hair, every single time. How you and I shared a special sandwich that only I could make with my secret recipe. To this day no one else knows what I put on it but you and I. Our very last walk down Prosperity St. to the store you told me to always stay hydrated, especially in the Summer. I understand now but I was pissed you bought me water instead of juice. I’m grateful because I drink a lot of water now dad.
My kids will never meet you but these are things I’d share with them about their grandpa. You were the hardest working man that I’ve ever met and that I will ever know. I’m grateful to have that in me. We had a cool time together Pops, rest peacefully and Happy birthday “Uncle D”.
You. I don’t know what it is about you that makes me so weak. Makes me so giddy. Makes me sweat. Makes me blush or makes me smile. What is it that makes me crave your presence. Crave your voice, your smell and your touch. It’s something way deeper than a physical attraction. Something way stronger than a natural reaction. You’re like a picture with no caption. Deeper than words, this might seem absurd but I swear to God when I’m with you nothing else can be heard.
I don’t usually put God out there like that. It’s just that right now I’m in a vulnerable state and I need to give my heart a clean slate. But don’t feel flattered, you do have flaws. You’re not Mr. Perfect. It’s just that all your flaws to me seems worth it. Worth dreaming again, smiling again, sweating again and grinning.
You shouldn’t be surprised. It’s no secret that I feel this way. And even though days pass and we don’t speak. I’m still here trying to figure out why the hell are you so meek. Give me some aggression. Tell me how you feel. Let’s break all of the rules. And this is coming from a girl who barely even speaks… at the end of the day, you know what you see. And I doubt that it’s me. I don’t know what it is about you, that makes me so weak. I guess that’s what makes you so unique…💙